Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Donald Trump: God Has Endorsed Me For President

[c]Zorek Richards 
Rated S for satire

Donald Trump has announced that God has endorsed his run for president. 

"I am very excited to announce that God has endorsed me. I've never met the man but have been a fan ever since I saw "Jesus Christ Superstar" on Broadway. He even has a book written about him which I have read a verse from in a couple of my speeches. This is huge because the evangelicals and the Jews and the Pentecostals, and the Seven Day Dentists already love me a whole the Latinos...and the women. Because I built a big business and I only spend my own money...."

Yesterday Trump had reported that Sen Tom Coburn had dissed Trump's opponent Ted Cruz. Later Coburn announced that He had never said any such thing about Cruz. 

"I take that as an endorsement," Trump replied when asked about the event.

  A reporter pushed back, "How do you take that as an endorsement if Coburn stated he never said it?"
"Coburn needed to say it. So I fixed it. See, I fix things? But I know that people who are not as smart as I am make mistakes. Any time anyone says anything negative about another candidate what it translates to is an endorsement for me." and he quickly added "and me making America great again with big walls and Trumpcare."

When asked about recent statements he has made about Common Core, Trump replied, "I said I liked Common Core yesterday, so today I have to say I am against Common Core. So if you don't like that..just come back tomorrow. I say “I like Common Core on the even days. Did I already say the Latinos really really love me?" 

Reverting back to God's endorsement, a reporter asked if God had contacted him. 

"Well, no, not personally. But I read it on Twitter. But also,  God never said anything bad about me, so it's like a confirmation. . I mean, why wouldn’t God want to endorse me? I went to church in Iowa. God should be very very happy with me. God is a very big man in the sky and he knows everything which really puts me and him in the same social class. I mean, God is next in line to be Pope, so that's pretty big."

A reporter then asked,"Yesterday you tweeted that you would have been able to stop 911 from happening. How would you do that?"

"I would have built a great big beautiful wall around the twin towers and put a great big beautiful door in it so the planes could fly through but they would not hit the buildings. And the Muslims love me .......and the Latinos. They come up to me every day and tell me.  And I greet them very warmly and tell them "I am self funded." 
Since God has endorsed you do you have any new policies which will protect religious freedom?” Trump was asked. 

“Yes,” Trump replied, “and I can tell you that it’s gonna be the yuuugest protection of religious freedom America has ever seen. I’m going to protect God, and protect churches, and protect Christians better then anyone has ever protected them before. “

“Can you expand on that with some details?” he was asked.

“Yes, but that’s rather direct question aimed at me. Who do you work for any way,” Trump responded, “Because you’re doing a terrible job as a reporter and I already just now tweeted nasty things about you on Twitter. Because the answer is very simple “It’s going to be the yuuuuuugest protection that religion has ever seen because I am self funded and nobody knows how to do yuuuuge things like me. “

With that the presser ended and Trump invited a few of the reporters to stand in the middle of 5th avenue so he could get a picture of them.