Thursday, July 2, 2015

Random Observations From My Seat in the Peanut Gallery 07.02.15

  I listened to Apple Music before Apple Music was cool

Chris Christie promised to be tough on Iran. As for details, he said he would cross that bridge if we can get to it.....

 University of Missouri couldn't afford to pay $275,000 to get Hillary Clinton to speak, so they paid $65,000 to get Chelsea. For a blue dress and a cigar they could have got Bill.

2015 Rules for Being Offended:
1)Randomly pick something out to be offended by. If you can't find anything, just pick some random comments and claim its racist.

2) Let everyone on the internet know you are offended via Twitter, FaceBook, Google, LinkedIn..and others. When you reach MySpace" you know you have reached the end of the internet and you are done.

3) Start an online petition to ban whatever is offending you. Make sure your petition is vaguely clear. Don't use "Thee" or "Thou" more than once unless you are writing your petition in a King James version. Make it clear that once someone reads it they will know that something bad will happen to them like maybe their house will be swallowed up by a sinkhole or they will be forced to listen to all of Obama's state of the union messages consecutively.............all because they failed to sign the petition.
And just as a good PR stunt: Remind them that only they can prevent forest fires but only 4 out of 5 dentists approve of your fire fighting prevention methods.

4)Claim its your Constitutional right to ban what is offending you.If anyone questions you about this just call them a an "UnAmerican hater" and move on.

5)  If by this time you have forgotten why you are offended, then go back to step 1.

6)If the main stream media takes notice and wants an interview, always try for CNN first. They are most likely to get excited about nothing, so even if what you are offended by seems small their anchors can make nothing happening at all sound like it is the end of the world. If you get stuck with MSNBC then its best to clarify that whatever you are offended by is conservative or Republican. You have to get their legs to tingle in order to get them perpetually excited. If it's NBC News then apparently you can make up just about anything and they will report it.

 "Thou Shalt not have any Supreme Court Decisions Before Me" --God

 Any TV station that would keep Al Sharpton but dismiss someone they affiliate with because they are offended with his ILLEGAL immigration comments has exactly ZERO credibility.

 While we're banning archaic symbols of our past, where's the movement to ban Hillary Clinton?

 Dear Supreme Court,
You're not the boss of me.

 NEW RULE: If you can name more Kardashians than Supreme Court justices, you're not allowed to publicly comment on Supreme Court decisions

 Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof. Offer void if prohibited by the Supreme Court

 Under the guise of "rights"..religious freedom in America appears to have taken a pretty big hit today. The Constitution is quickly going the way of the Confederate Flag.

 Hillary Clinton released the following information today:
Benghazi ████ ██ █ ███ video shows ██ █████ Libya ████ ████ Syria ████ according to ████ emails █████ ████ email account

I  hate it when I listen to an Obama speech and I forget to light myself on fire

I once found a human finger in a salad at a restaurant. It was mine, and it was attached to my hand. But this is America and I still might sue...

 Say what you want about Marco Rubio's driving record, but he never drove a woman off a bridge in an Oldsmobile and left her to die.

 It was a beautiful weekend in New York. This is how nice the weather was: I went outside without sunscreen for about an hour, and I was elected to run the Spokane NAACP. --Seth Meyers

 Great minds seek solutions. Small minds seek to ban flags

 Comcast's founder has died. He will be buried on Monday between 2pm and 5pm.